Do you want to help your kids manage their emotions by examining their thoughts? During the tween years, emotional intensity can escalate making all of us feel as if we are riding an emotional roller coaster inside our homes. The turmoil that comes from a child’s highs and lows is a common reason I work with families in the counseling office. I teach both the child how to emotionally self-regulate, and I equip the parent with emotion coaching skills. This week I’m sharing additional content in my discussion with Jill Savage and her tween granddaughter Rilyn that aired on the BeTween Podcast.
Help Your Kids Manage Their Emotions by Examining Their Thoughts
One of the things we teach in the counseling office is that our thoughts can drive our feelings. When kids are expressing an intense feeling, whether it be sad, mad, or scared, we encourage them to identify what thoughts they are thinking. Sometimes we can help change what they are feeling by looking at what they are thinking and creating a different thought or at least a less intense one. For example, “I am having the worst day ever” could become “I am having a bad day.”
This practice actually has a name that’s grown-up and bland. It’s called Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy and spiritually it’s called “renewing your mind.” It’s the idea that you can change your thoughts and that will change your feelings.
In the podcast, Jill shared this comment, and it’s so true:
“When we’re feeling scared, or angry, we have to look at
what our thoughts are and then we can actually decide to change our thoughts. We can push them in a different direction.”
The key is this–with feelings, the first thing we have to do is allow ourselves to feel them. I think this is super important for you to be able to say, “I feel sad.”This is a way to identify the feeling. Say “I feel scared” or “I feel mad,” and identify where you feel it in your body. For example, I often feel a lot of my feelings around my heart and chest area, especially sad. I tend to feel stress in my shoulder area.
When we think about that, we think about how fear can create a fight, flight, or freeze response. If you tend to get mad, you’re in the fight zone. I tend to be in the flight zone. I want to run away and go hide under the covers. Some kids might experience a freeze response. They might just feel stuck there in that sense.
Help Your Kids Manage Their Emotions by Examining Their Thoughts
Help Them Name the Feeling, Find Where They Feel It in Their Bodies, Then Release It
It’s really important after we name the feeling, and where it is in our body, that we actually make a sound or movement to release it. Emotion is energy in motion. I try to help kids find things they can do to release the energy they’re feeling.
My son loves skateboarding. I find that it’s a good activity because it takes so much mental energy to balance. It’s a distraction from your emotions. But also, when you move, you let the energy that’s stuck in your body flow out of it. That’s why taking a walk is a good idea. Riding a bike is also a good idea.
But you can do something even more simple. If you were at school, you can sigh and make a little noise. For instance, if your body felt heavy with stress before a test. I teach kids one thing they can do is just simply sigh. That will let some of the stress out of your body.
Occasionally I find that parents want to skip the step of naming our feelings. Sometimes this is because they don’t want us to feel them too long. But we want to let them sit in our bodies for a couple of minutes. It’s important to feel the feeling and not judge it. We can accept that we have it and then it’s easier to let it go.
We can be disappointed, frustrated, stressed, mad, hurt, sad, happy, and joyful. And we don’t want to leave out the good stuff either–we can be excited or anxious or any number of things. We want all those feelings on the bus. But if our life is the bus, or our body is the bus, we don’t want the feelings driving the bus. We want to use our brain, our thoughts, and then our choices to drive the bus.
Help Your Kids Manage Their Emotions by Examining Their Thoughts
Help Them Practice Breathing in the Love of God and Breathing Out Their Worries
When I work with families who want to incorporate spirituality, I teach kids to breathe in the love of God and breathe out their worries. I encourage them to think thoughts that come from the promises in God’s word like they have a hope and future (Jer 29:11)
So often, girls and women give in to the lies that how they look and how popular they are determines their worth. But as children of God, we can have the confidence that we are loved, protected, secure, whole, and valuable because God is our heavenly father.
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Help Your Kids Manage Their Emotions by Examining Their Thoughts
How do you help your kids to regulate their emotions? Share your ideas with me in the comments.
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